Awake dreaming


“One’s real life is so often the life that one does not lead” – Oscar Wilde

I’ve been thinking sonoften and torturing myself with distinctik between real life and dream life. The distinction between conscious and unconscious, real and unreal. I am often confused when I feel as if I would seeing my life from outside. That makes me feel as if I would be an object of matrix, especially after having a period of really vivid dreams that resemble so much reality. Then I start wondering what is reality, where is it’s limits. Descarte famously stated “I think, therefore I am”. But then does it mean that when I think in my dream and try to solve problem that occurs in my dream, I am living the dream, so it would be reality given at that moment. Sometimes it is so hard to wake up that silently in my head I wish I would never have to wake up, but I do, because I feel I have, because I don’t want to miss my life.
But sometimes every day life is so routinous that it does not even feel real. There is this saying “Days are long, but years are short”. Sometimes I do feel that my life is a dream, because I can’t tell what I did last week. Well, I can tell, but tgat would be probably the same what I did a week before or before before. Probably that is why I like trying out new things and having projects, because I would not feel as if my days passed unnoticed and then converted into unnoticed years. When I think about it, the thing that saves me from overthinking is that if you ask me at any given moment if I am happy, I would say that I am. But when I think about the story of my life, there is not that much to tell. Wht do we alwqys feel that we have to tell the story? Douglas Coupland in his book “Player number one” said that there are only few special moments in everyones life and all the rest is everydayness. Does it mean that we life only to get those special moments?
The facts of your life seems to be much more important than how we feel in our everyday life. Our work defines who we are. I remember when I came Canada and I was not working, and I was meeting new people, they were asking me what is my job, I was replying that I don’t work, it was so hard for then to realize that there are plenty stuff to do if you don’t work. Actually, probabky you feel much more alive than working, because work, if you don’t like it or don’t enjoy that much even more deepens the feeling of absurdity of life. As Kierkegaard said “we are thrown into this world” and Sartre agreed with that and added that despite the fact that we are thrown into here, we still hold absolute responsibily for our lifes. So when you think about that… It doesn’t matter the statistical facts of our lifes, cause we are gonna die and statistic will die with us, all that matters how you feel your every moment, that is how you gonna feel about your life at the end, whether it would be dream or reality.

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